


House Hunters: Night Vale Edition

by f1rstperson



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, House Hunting, M/M, cecil has no sense of style, mommy where do real estate agents come from?, these dorky babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-08-20
Packaged: 2017-12-24 02:22:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/934059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/f1rstperson/pseuds/f1rstperson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cecil and Carlos go house hunting and have clashing opinions of what they want in a house. Or they would have clashing opinions if Cecil was capable of being quiet for more than five seconds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	House Hunters: Night Vale Edition

**Author's Note:**

> All my love to my perfect beta and moirail daftalchemist who is immensely helpful despite my inability to finish things and my constant anxious self-editing of things.

Their day started at 5:30am, with Cecil shaking Carlos awake and shoving a warm cup of coffee into his hand. Carlos sipped his coffee slowly, still trying to open his eyes fully, while Cecil dug up a camouflage lab coat from who knows where.

“Why?” Carlos mumbled, his mind swamped like wet cotton.

“Why what, dear?” Cecil asked, his tone offensively bright and perky for 5am.

“Why are we up? Why do we have to do this again?”

Cecil huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Carlos,” he said, running his fingers through Carlos’ sleep tossed hair, “We’ve been over this already. You can’t just walk into a house, murder the family living there and claim it as your own anymore. It’s the 21st Century! You need to get a real estate agent and do paperwork and set up all the proper ritual sacrifices! And to get a real estate agent we need to be up at sunrise, because that’s when the deer will be out. Everyone knows that.”

Carlos opened his mouth about to ask what deer had to do with anything, and then stopped himself. Cecil was standing in the doorway, decked out in a deep purple camouflage onesie, all three of his eyes giving him a very put-upon look. Carlos ducked his head and smiled before walking up to Cecil and kissing him on the cheek. Hand in hand, they walked to the car.

*****

By 8:42am they were heading towards the first house, their blood soaked real estate agent sitting on a tarp and giving directions from the back seat. She had fallen with a gross thud out of the long gash Cecil made in the deer carcass, and was currently picking bits of entrails out of her straight black hair.

“Would you like to maybe stop somewhere and wash that off, Miss…? Uh…” Carlos asked.

“Mrs. Lin. And it’s no problem; I’m a professional,” she said, trying unsuccessfully to wipe the blood from her glasses. “I’ll just hose myself off when we get to the first property. You’re going to want to take a right up at that light, by the way.”

*****

Mrs. Lin and Cecil were walking the house a second time over with Carlos trudging behind them. Mrs. Lin was still dripping water but had managed to wash out most of the blood.

“This house is just perfect! I absolutely adore the carpet, such a nice, dark brown! You know, shag carpets are my favorite. And just look at these windows! It gives the house such a spacious feel!”

“Actually, Mr. Baldwin, the house is a little bit larger on the inside than it is on the outside. I can’t give you an exact measurement, as it seems to vary on a day-to-day basis. The windows, however, are great for letting in extra sunlight and allowing the secret police easy access to your private lives.”

Cecil nodded excitedly at Mrs. Lin. Carlos wanted more than anything to ask Mrs. Lin more about the house’s dimensions, but Cecil had been talking nonstop for the last hour and a half, and gave no sign that he planned on stopping anytime soon.

“Okay, now, is the tile in the kitchen stain proof? I do love that cream color, but if I were to get, say, any blood or green-black oozing material on it, how hard would that be to get that out?”

“Both the tile and the wood are completely stain resistant to any and all bodily fluids from known entities level 3b-14h, as well as several types of remains from non-corporeal entities. They’re also resistant to oil stains and mud. The same applies for the tiles in both bathrooms and the laundry room.”

Cecil nodded again, his face relaxing into a look of understanding. Carlos took out his tape recorder and made a note to ask what, “known entities level 3b-14h” meant, preferably before they bought the house. He spoke a little louder than usual, hoping Cecil would turn and remember he was also here and a part of this, but Cecil just keep babbling on.

“I am so into this chandelier, it’s totally gorgeous. Do you know if that’s real crystal, and if it’s had the proper magics applied so that it will glow in the event of a poltergeist or demon attaching itself to the house? I just can’t stand that fake plastic crystal stuff, I mean, at first it looks okay but as time goes it starts to dull and wear. It looks so gaudy to me, don’t you think?” 

Mrs. Lin hummed in agreement.

“It’s definitely real crystal, though I can’t say whether or not it’s been through all the necessary enchantments. The last owners were Ananke Orthodox.”

Cecil made a silent “oh” shape with his mouth. Carlos wondered if they were just making words up to mess with him.

“What does that mean?” Carlos asked, several times, just to make sure they heard him. Cecil finally jolted and turned to him. He looked up and worried at his lip for a little while before speaking.

“Ananke Orthodox followers are very traditional about their enchantments. They only allow animal sacrifices and possessions by very specific deities. Chanting, magical symbols, and summoning metacosmic entities is strictly forbidden,” Cecil said.

“Oh,” said Carlos, who just stared at Cecil for a few minutes. “Um, sorry. What does that mean?”

Mrs. Lin sighed and said, “It means the light fixtures might not be up to code, in accordance with the laws on haunting preventions. But that’s not something the two of you need to worry about. I am a professional, after all. I can get a guy out here to fix that up in no time whatsoever.” She pulled out her cell phone and excused herself before going outside.

“That would be lovely, thank you, Mrs. Lin.” Cecil yelled to her as she retreated, “Otherwise the house is just perfect. I mean, that bedroom. Oh Carlos, did you see how beautiful it was? I mean, that skylight is going to be so great with the moonlight shining in, and it will be just perfect for keeping track of what helicopters are outside.”

Cecil kept chatting to himself as he walked off to the dining room, leaving Carlos behind him. He attempted to follow, only to find both his feet were stuck. He tried to walk again, but his feet stayed stuck to the carpet.

“Cecil!” He called, worry on the edge of his voice.

“And it has a pool! I’ve never had a pool before! A bottomless, immeasurable pool. Do you know what that means, Carlos? We can get a diving board! I think we could also get a Scuba License with a pool like this as well! I mean, there’s not many places to Scuba here, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared right?”

“Cecil!”

“Okay, and the wallpaper is just adorable. I love that off-white with the dark brown borders, don’t you? It complements the carpet so nicely, and-”

“CECIL!!!”

Carlos finally heard the sound of Cecil’s footsteps growing louder. A few seconds later Cecil peeked around the dining room entrance with a frown.

“Carloooos, whaaaat?” He whined.

“I… I think I’m sinking into this stupid carpet,” said Carlos, whose shins had indeed disappeared into the brown shag beneath him like it were quicksand.

Cecil blinked before hurrying to Carlos and tugging his arm. Carlos toppled back onto Cecil as he fell free. 

He quickly got off Cecil and offered him a hand, which Cecil did not grab, or even look at. All three of his eyes stared down at the carpet and he had drawn his knees into his chest.

“You don’t like the house, do you?” Cecil said, his voice trembling.

For a second Carlos said nothing, wringing his hands anxiously as he collected his thoughts.

“It’s a lovely house, Cecil. I just want... Well, I want a house that reflects aspects of both of us, you know? I want to find... Our house.” He said with a grimace, hoping it was less mushy than it sounded.

It never ceased to amaze Carlos how Cecil could go from utterly despondent to ear-shatteringly cheery in a matter of seconds. He bounded up and grasped Carlos in a hug that almost crushed his ribs. 

“That is so romantic! Our house! Oh Carlos,” Cecil practically squealed before pressing several kisses to Carlos’ lips. “Oh, you’re completely right! I’ve been so silly, I’m sorry. What was I thinking? Where is there even room for you to do your science here?”

“Don’t worry about it, Cecil, honestly,” said Carlos. “I’m sure there are going to be many more houses to look at. I mean, that’s the same even in Night Vale, right?”

Cecil nodded, his brown hair flopping in front the third eye on his forehead. Carlos chuckled and brushed it back. 

Mrs. Lin returned, her face drawn tense and slightly red. Once she caught sight of Cecil and Carlos, she schooled her expression back into a knowledgeable, stoic mask.

“I think we’re going to need to see a few more houses, if that’s alright,” Carlos said, smiling to Cecil.

Mrs. Lin blinked several times, but otherwise remained composed.

“That’s not a problem at all. I have a wide variety of properties selected for your specifications and price range. I must warn you though, the next house on our list only has an improbably deep pool rather than bottomless one. On the plus side, it does have a rather lovely dungeon,” she said. 

Cecil squeezed Carlos’ hand.

“We’d love to see it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr under the same username as here if anyone is interested.


End file.
